I have never found myself happy with the way others treat me. The “Golden Rule” we are taught in grade school, “Treat others the way you want to be treated” is something that I rarely see today, even among my friends. I feel that I am looked at as someone who will always be there, someone who is always overlooked, someone that people do not need to put effort into, someone who can be pushed down and expected to bounce back up without complaint. Someone who is no one. Sometimes I feel that no one would notice if I was gone. I am not a no one. I am amazing. I set aside time for my friends. I coordinate time schedules so no one is upset and I can spend time with all those that I love. I sacrifice some friends for others because they have caused others pain and sorrow. I sacrifice myself and my own mental health if it means others will not get hurt, because I would rather face the pain and consequences myself rather than inflicting it on others. Lately I have noticed that I do a lot of small things for other people and I expect no return, no gratification. I do it for myself more than anything. However, I have noticed that these small things that others do for me, I give more value and gratitude towards. I will continuously thank someone for something as small as taking out my trash, picking up something at the store, or moving something for me. A lot of these things people do for me are accompanied by a request, a complaint, or a long lecture about how they had to go out of their way to do this for me. I have noticed that these scenarios are not the same. I was raised, by two amazing parents who would do anything to help those around them. I see them getting walked all over by others as they continuously ask my parents for favors, and my parents willingly comply. My mom has not bought herself anything nice in years, just so she can have the extra money to spend on her children, for her co-worker’s christmas gift, for her friends when they are upset. Never does she consider herself before others. Watching my parents, I began to question their behavior. How could they help others so much at the expense of themselves? I realized that I was the same. I plan my day, buy my clothes and food, and spend my free time all according to others’ wishes. I can not remember the last day that I did everything that I wanted, without anyone asking me to alter my plans for them. I can not remember the last time I did not feel like I was someone to just fill the time with. Someone to hang out with because there are no better choices. Someone who was not invited out of courtesy. I cannot understand where I went wrong. I give everything I can to others, my time, my happiness, my health, and I still cannot silently appreciate a small favor being done for me without someone reminding me the hassle they went through for me. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago, that I expect too much from my friends, and that is why I keep getting disappointed. When he first said that, I refused to believe it. He does not understand how much my friends mean to me and how much I thought I mean to them. I cannot explain how much they care for me, because I do not know. But, I do know that I should expect less. Expecting less, lowers expectations, minimizes disappointment. It can potentially be a start to the journey to happiness.
I am not someone that is “looked over” or seen as a “backup” when things go bad, I am incredible and only deserve the best; myself. The journey to loving myself, and not needing the love of others, is identical to the journey to happiness.
But until that journey has reached an end and happiness has been attained,
I cover it with a smile.