I do not like the way you make me feel. I do not like that your decision still impacts me so greatly today. I can not believe that my best friend would hurt me this much. The pain you have caused me is unexplainable. I can not count the amount of times I felt like hurting myself; the amount of times I cried myself to sleep because I felt like I was not enough for anyone; the amount of times I looked you in the eye only for you to feel nothing, no regret, no guilt. I could have lived on and no longer felt impacted by your decision. But, the second you did not see your wrongdoing, felt no guilt, I felt destroyed. I will never understand how someone who told me she loved me 2 days earlier, would have the capacity to do something like you did. I will never understand why you did what you did. All I know is that I will never be the same.
When survivors of sexual assault are asked about their experiences, many speak of something being taken away from them. They never can grow to be the same person they were before. Their attacker took them away from themselves. When I was sexually assaulted, I could not process what happened. I did not want to believe it had happened to me, because I did not want to become another statistic, another victim to be looked at with pity. I refused to believe that it had happened to me. I did not feel any differently mentally or emotionally either, so I decided to move on and forget it because it could not have been sexual assault. I led myself to believe that I had not been assaulted, that I was not the drunk girl from the party someone took advantage of.
Weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night in a puddle of sweat. I could not catch my breath. I felt paralyzed in my bed. That night from weeks ago continuously replayed in my head. I could still feel my tears falling down my face as I told him to stop. I could still feel the helplessness I felt that night as I could not get my legs, arms, anything to move. I could still feel myself looking away and closing my eyes waiting for it to be over. I could still feel nothing. I am a victim.
This feeling of nothing is because of you X. You hurt me so much that my attacker had nothing to take away from me, because you did that. There was nothing left for him to take. You took me away from me and I can never get it back.
X you are worse than my rapist.
Even though I feel like I am dying inside,
I cover it with a smile.