Again

I do not know what is worse; having something terrible happen to you without warning, or to be watching something progress but you are unable to do anything to stop it. I feel powerless. I can feel the control slipping out from under my fingers, and I can’t do anything. I am losing myself, just right after I thought I found myself. The temporary happiness was exactly that; temporary happiness. I am afraid of falling into another hole because I do not know if I will be able to get out of this one. The first time almost took everything out of me, the second would destroy me and I am not ready for that. I just want myself and the happiness I have longed for for so long. Did I make another mistake? Am I really being that oblivious again? So much so that I walked myself back into the same situation that will end with the same hurt. How could I have thought that this time things will be different, that not everyone has bad intentions, that people truly care about me. How could I have ever thought I was truly happy? I am afraid of getting hurt, but right when I made myself vulnerable, I was hurt again. I do not know how I will ever reach that state of vulnerability again. I may not be enough for anyone, but I am enough for myself. Me, myself, and I; the only 3 people I will ever need.

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