No

6 months. For 6 months you made me feel like I could be in a relationship again. I could open myself up again. I could be happy with a guy. I could enjoy why people give up so much for love.

When I first met you, I knew there was something about you. Something that I couldn’t put into words. All I knew was that I wanted to talk to you, see you, be with you anytime that I could. I wanted you.

It took some time for me to figure out what I was exactly feeling. It was something I had not felt before. I doubted my feelings for you because I did not feel the same with you like I did with my ex. With my ex, he made it easy because he came after me, so all I had to do was say yes. But with you, I had to make you say yes. I had to find the will power within me to chase you. To make you realize that I was everything you could ever want or need.

For 6 months I chased you. You flirted with me. You asked me about where I would like to go for a date. You asked me what I wanted to get out of a relationship. You asked me if I would want kids one day. You asked me how I was doing. You asked about my insecurities. You asked me what I loved about myself. You asked me what I hated about myself. You asked me if I liked your song after you sang it to me. You asked me for my opinion on things that mattered to you. You asked me about me because you cared what I thought. And I loved that. I loved having someone to genuinely want to get to know me better and who I actually was.

For 6 months, you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. I felt amazing. I had a guy who I genuinely wanted to get to know better, and I thought you genuinely wanted to get to know me better. I thought I had it all.

Then you ripped my heart out of my chest. You rejected me. You told me no. 1 word, 2 letters, and my entire world came crashing down. I felt my heart break in a way it has never broke before. I felt empty, worthless, unimportant.

It took me 1 year, if not longer, to get over my ex. 1 year of pain and me telling myself I wasn’t good enough for me, that I didn’t deserve to be loved by someone, that I was not important enough to be loved by anyone. This year was the worst of my life. I constantly doubted myself with every interaction I had with a guy. I doubted every romantic thought I had. But, I never doubted my feelings for you. I knew they were real.

When you told me no, I did not feel heart break, but disappointment. It took me so long to open up to a guy, to want to talk to a guy, to actually want something more than just a hook up. And then, you made me believe you felt the same way about me. That you wanted to open up to me, you wanted to talk to me, you wanted something more with me.

No. I was wrong. I misread the situation completely. I am upset you sent me such mixed signals, but I am more upset with myself. I am upset that I chose to see what I wanted out of every situation. I am upset I convinced myself the best out of every text you sent me. I am upset I made this out to be something more than it ever was. I am upset that I thought that because I was ready for something more, that you would be too.

I am upset you said no, but I am also grateful that you did. Because of these 6 months, I have realized that I deserve so much more than what I have had in the past. I deserve a guy who wanted to talk to me like I wanted to talk to you. I deserve a guy who wants to get to know me. I deserve a guy that will treat me like the only girl in the world just like you did.

I am upset that you could not be that guy, but I know he is out there, until I find him,

I cover it with a smile.

 

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