Different

“Can you believe she did that?”

“She has to be crazy!”

“Wow what is wrong with her?”

 

“She must have done that because she is going through a rough time.”

“She reacts to things emotionally.”

“I wonder what hurt her so badly that she now acts this way.”

 

Me.

 

Her.

 

Pain. It’s something that everyone goes through. It’s an ongoing cycle that no one can ever truly escape. Pain is always there, not always visible to others, but a constant blockade through your own eyes.

6 months ago, I would have told you the pain I felt was unexplainable. The pain I felt crushed my heart with each breath I took and only made me lose myself so much more. All I saw through my eyes was pain. I couldn’t see past the pain to see the beauty and love that I was surrounded by. I felt defined by my pain.

Today, I will tell you the pain I feel is unexplainable. The pain that I felt 6 months ago changed who I was, how I thought, what I wanted. It made someone I didn’t recognize and never want to see again. Near the end, my pain had accumulated to such an extreme extent that I couldn’t recognize it myself. I was being weighed down by my pain, so much so that I couldn’t stretch my legs to see what was happening around me.

I stand with my legs stretched now and I look back and examine how my pain had grown so much. At the beginning, the pain felt almost manageable – I felt that I could still see beyond it. Near the end, I couldn’t see anything but the pain. It encompassed me. It had become who I was. How did it get from being so manageable to becoming indistinguishable from who I was?

You. That’s what happened.

When I looked at you, I screamed internally for help. I begged you with my eyes to just care enough to look past my shield, to help me get out of this mask. You returned my pleadings with a blank stare. My heart had wrapped its arms around you and you cut them off without a second thought.

You criticized me for my actions. You neglected to ask me what was wrong, to ask if something had caused this. You yelled at me to get myself together. You were too embarrassed to be seen with me. You laughed at me with your other friends. You didn’t care.

I criticized myself whenever I had one good thought about myself and convinced myself it was too good to be true. I neglected to care for myself and focused all my efforts on pleasing others, which all resulted in failure. I yelled at myself in the mirror, screaming all my faults at myself and convinced myself I would never be better. I was embarrassed to have woken up that morning. I laughed when I thought that I would be happy again one day. I didn’t care about me anymore.

I had convinced myself that your inability to realize someone’s pain was a character flaw of yours. That it wasn’t me, it was you. Now, I am watching the situation from the afar, yet I realize that it is not a flaw you possess.

You criticize her when she thinks she is acting out of place because she could never do such a thing. You neglect the pain she causes others, as long as you are left unharmed. You yell encouraging things to her to help her through this dark time. You are embarrassed when your extreme efforts to make her happy fail. You laugh at what she did to me and tell me she is going through a rough time. That it doesn’t define her.

Her actions don’t define her.

Yet, my actions defined me.

My actions were reason enough for you to hurt me more, for you to put me down. You belittled me as a person, as a friend. My actions were an inconvenience to you, yet my world had to revolve around you. My world had almost stopped spinning, yet you only cared if it was still spinning around you. I had almost gone, and would have never come back, but as long as your world was spinning, you could make mine stop.

 

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