I will never forgive myself.  I just sat there, watched you, encouraged you. I didn’t just not do anything, I pushed you to do more and more, because I thought it was cool. I thought it was cool and now you’re gone. Not so cool anymore.

I hate myself for buying you drugs. I hate myself for giving you mine, even when we weren’t going anywhere and were just hanging out in my room, lines upon lines. You talked to your mom on the phone high as a kite, and I thought it was funny that she didn’t realize. Now I text your mom in tears as she asks me if I knew about your problem, if I knew what you were taking. Not so funny anymore.

I hate myself for encouraging your drug use. When I invited you to the point, I offered to smoke you out, but you had something stronger in mind, and I told you it sounded exciting and like a good time. Not so exciting anymore.

I hate myself for not telling anyone when I caught you two weeks before. You begged me not to tell anyone, that you were going to get clean. I believed you and I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, so I didn’t tell a soul. I kept my mouth shut because I wanted to be a good friend. Not so good of a friend anymore.

I hate myself because I didn’t see the signs. No one is hungover and vomiting at 7pm from the night before. I should’ve known the signs, especially after September. I thought you were as happy as you led everyone to believe. Not so happy anymore.

I hate myself because I didn’t take that Uber home with you because I was having a bitch fit. I thought I wasn’t getting enough attention on my birthday so I went home with a different group. If I went in that Uber, I could’ve invited you over afterwards, I could’ve gone over for a bit, I could’ve done something. Not so possible anymore.

I’m so sorry, but sorry won’t bring you back. I’m sorry I let this happen. I’m sorry I was being ignorant. I’m sorry I didn’t stop it when I could. Please forgive me, even though I will never forgive myself. Please take this pain away because I can’t make myself smile with genuine happiness anymore.

Not so happy anymore, am I?


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